Black Clover of 5 Luck Part 1: Origins
by JimHanson
Summary: Original character Asta goes to get laid but will he learn that love can cross the space-time barrier and beat of emotionals? Or is this ending of superlative questions of? Tune in to fish nonagenarian!


Black Clover of +5 Luck Book 1: The Phantom Menace.

Asta walked into the new headquarters building of the Black Bulls now featuring Yuno because the writers of Black Clover got annoyed having to come up with new excuses for Yuno to be around someone from a different guild each chapter and just put Yuno in the lesser guild because nobody likes Asta because he's a peasant.

"Hey Yuno, want to go see the new transformers movie?

"Fuck, there's a new one?" Yuno said while practicing his ventriloquists act so his mouth wouldn't move so he could look more uninterested in things while talking. This time he even brought a puppet of his favorite Harry Potter character, Severus Snape, along with him. It was creepy and evil looking and Noelle didn't like it which was why Yuno did.

"Yes, there is a new one."

"No" Yuno said. "What even is transformers"

"It's a movie." Asta explained as he took out his laptop to show Yuno and his creepy Severus Snape puppet the trailer. "People pay money to see these because it is fun."

"You can't afford it" Yuno said. Then, Yuno left the story by flying away, taking his Severus Snape puppet with him. Secretly wishing it would become a real Severus Snape so it could come back and cause many conflicts and fun problems for them to solve by the third book: Revenge of the Snape. Which will be great and hilarious and full of many darker emo themes that will be so metal and hardcore that you will lose your pants and stuff.

"OK." Asta said before he began using his laptop to look up porn of Hinata pre-times kip from Naruto. Except she had pupils which made her look more or less creepy depending on personal preference and experiences. But before he could even get his pants off Noelle appeared because the Severus Snape puppet had left.

"WHAT ARE YOU Looking AT?" Noelle shouted ass she pointed in Asta's general direction but not specifically at Ata because Noelle can't aim at all.

"I like One Piece." Asta responded, flipping back to the tab with the transformers trailer. But it was paused at a shot of Megan Fox's butt, which made what Asta was looking up seem even worse than it was before. "Forget what I just said, this isn't what it looks like. I was just looking up a porn on the internets! Age-specific porn as far as us all know!"

"Holy spaghetti crap Asta, why wood you do this to me?" Noelle tried to shoot cold water at Asta in a rage but because she can never hit anything, Noelle instead somehow hit herself and she was even angrier about it.

"You need to cool off, Sakura, before you kill somebody with your anger!" Asta shouted. "Why do you even care if I watch the internets porn?"

"What did you call me?" Noelle asked, confused and wet. But not in a sexy way, Noelle was just annoyed wet. The kind of wet where you can just tell that they are going to kill someone but you're not sure who or why, like when someone falls off a boat and then stabs you in the neck with a knife because they don't care anymore! Then Noelle looked at the computer and saw it was just a trailer and then also saw the porn on the other tab and knew everything. "Is this your way of coming out and asking me on a date because I remind you of your Naruto Animoo characters?"

"Yes." Asta said. "Now we should go see the new transformers movie and do the sex stuff and things instead of thinking too hard about how any of this stuff works or is possible." Noelle shrieked in excitement but little did Noelle know that Asta was hiding a dangerous secret regarding the very fabric of existence itself and the truth behind all of the animoo in the world. It's kind-of like Cabin in the Woods but in case you have never seen that movie, it's not like Cabin in the Woods. But seriously, look up that movie on Netflix right now, it gets pretty car cray.

"Don't worry, I'll pay for the tickets so we can see transformers because I know you're a peasants and that you have no moneys, Asta." Noelle explained so the audience would not have to worry about how Asta would pay for tickets to transformers and to point out how desperate Noelle was to have the sex stuff. In fact, Noelle hated transformers but was willing to put up with it anyways because of the sex stuff. Then they went to transformers the movie and it was clear that Asta was ready for the transformers and/or sex stuff because his anti-magic sword had come out on it's own and it was big and black and ripe for all kinds of sexual innuendo that Noelle did not risk bringing up so she would seem like the more mature person in this situation.

"I am ready to see this movie. Asta said." Asta said without thinking like a crazy person as he sat down in his seat. Then Noelle got Asta to do the thing where the guy puts the bucket of pop corn over their junk to try and trick the girl into touching it or something. I've never done it so I have no idea how this is support to work and it sounds like it would be unconftrable, but people do it so I'm not going to blame anyone for wanting to try. Anyways, Noelle ate all the popcorn but ended up disappointed because when she put the pop corn bucket down her missed there was no dick inside the pop corn.

"Wow." Asta said as he looked at Noelle with one eye and the movie with his other eye. "I've never seen anyone eat pop corn as fast as you do. You didn't even use your hands either, you just went in head-first!"

"I miss when I try to eat with my hands…." Noelle said sadly. "I'm not even allowed to use knives or forks because I would miss and hurt myself."

Asta completely ignored this revelation as he was completely focused on Optimus Prime transforming into a motorcycle for the first time. But then he realized that it wasn't actually Optimus Prime, it was the Wizard King using his magic to make him look like a robot! Just like all the other actors in the movie except for Megan Fox, who was an actual robot that used magic to make itself look like a human for the sake of having human characters in the movie? Why? I don't know, why would we ever want to follow random people wheat here are giant fucking robots shooting eachother in the robot-dicks with their arm cannons. "Oh man gad, it's the Wizard King!" Asta shouted as people started booing and throwing popcorn at the screen. "What's going on?" Asta asked the theater after zipping up his pants and turning around, causing Noelle to start crying on the inside because she missed her chance for the sex stuff.

"Listen, Asta." One guy started who may or may not have been Osamu from World Trigger wearing an anti-radar bagworm to keep himself hidden while dimension hopping. "This guy has done a terrible job as the Wizard King. Poverty is rampant, the other nations hate the Clover Kingdom's guts apparently, and there's a heavy class war between the peasants and the 1% of people in nobility that expands into biases for even people who want to become Magic Knights…. Which SEEMS to be the only real career option for people in this world because the only other person we've really seen was a nun who may or may not have also been a Magic Knight at some point. Sure he's created a solid fighting force, but what good is that when he keeps ignoring diplomacy and domestic issues like education and socio-economic problems for the 99%? As soon as this guy starts growing old there's going to be riots and uprisings like crazy all over the Clover Kingdom from the economy collapsing and then the do-nothing nobles will be replaced by a better social order that will actually focus on schools and fixing roads and maybe even transportation technology for non-mages. Heck, I don't even know if you guys even have plumbing or not, for all we know, people in the Clover Kingdom could just shit in buckets and toss it out the window. Also, how the heck are people supposed to keep themselves healthy without any actual medicine since we've never seen anything used for healing other than magic! Are you guys seriously going to rely on people who happen to be white mages every time someone gets a cold?"

"Asta agrees." Asta said as he noticed that Mimosa was in the theater too. "Hey, what are you doing here, Mimosa!" Asta shouted over the sound of Noelle's heart breaking. "Hey, Mimosa, want to do all of the sex stuff? I have a pop corn bucket that can be refilled."

Mimosa walked over and sat in the seat next to Asta while on-screen Laserbeak, played by the anti-magic bird, was in a fire-fight with the Wizard King Optimus Prime. "Hey, Asta, can't we just go to the bathroom or something?"

"Come on, Mimosa! I have a bucket with a hole in it and I don't want to miss watching transformers while we do the sex stuff. I'm pretty sure this is the one where Unicron finally shows up."

"Don't kid yourself, Asta." Mimosa replied. "If Unicron hasn't shown up by the first eight films, he's not going to show up now. There's no way they're going to introduce him now. I just want to see stuff blow up." But Mimosa left with the bucket anyways and came back with a filled bucket for the sex stuff that Asta then put on his dick.

"All right! Watch out, Mimosa, this is going to blow you away!" Asta shouted as Mimosa started to eat the pop corn and do the sex stuff while Noelle started crying in a fetal position in the seat next to them.

"I didn't wear underpants today just for this sex stuff at transformers, you jerk!" Noelle said while her tears shot out at a 90 degree angle because they missed going the way they would go on a normal person.

"It's hard to tell if you ever wear underpants!" Asta shouted back as the image made Asta get off early. "Oh no! That wasn't nearly long enough!"

"Don't worry." Mimosa said. "I have healing magic! The most overpowered and god-tier type of magic!" Then Mimosa took out her spell book and used healing magic on Asta's junk so he could get off again. And then she used healing magic and Asta got off again and again, repeating and repeating for two hours straight while Noelle tried to kill herself out of depression but missed and nearly caused Eneru to land-drown. Because fuck Ender, he's an asshole who can't even electrify rubber. By the time Mimosa's magic had run out, Asta had missed the entire film including the after-credits scene where the Wizard King broke character to admit he was secretly running a backwards magical farm where cows milked people. Which most of the people in the theater had already figured out 3 hours ago?

"Wow, that was the most awesome the sex stuff anyone could possibly have!" Asta said as he zipped his pants up and became a chibi character from exhaustion in that order because there's no way any woman would see a chili's junk and NOT think less of you from seeing it that small. "We should do this while watching Star Wars: The Phantom menaced next so we can actually be focused on the sex stuff."

"That sounds like a good plan, Asta." Mimosa said while eating the few hard kernel of pop corn left. You know what I'm talking about, there's ALWAYS these stupid kernel's in the bottom of the bucket and you eat them with the normal pop corn because you don't see them but they're like as hard as fucking rocks. It's ridiculous! You would think that in a world where pop corn can be heated with magic there wouldn't be these stupid things anymore, but nope! They're still around and they still suck unless you like jawbreakers that taste like poo and never go down. Seriously, why the fuck aren't we past this yet, it shouldn't be some overwhelming task to just pop ALL the pop corn!

"Why do they even call it the Phantom Menace?" Asta asked curiously after he returned to his normal size.

"I don't know." Mimosa admitted.

"There is no phantom ANYWHERE in that movie. Is qui goon jinx or whoever the phantom because he's the only one that dies? And he's not a menace after he dies, he's just there. Was the Menace the fact that he became a phantom or something? I don't get it." Asta said with a confused Asta look as all the word he said came out of his mouth in a stream, taking physical form and making Noelle vomit profusely at the unbelievably bizzare act of reality working that her mind simply couldn't handle. Unfortunately, Noelle missed the floor and her vomit instead curved backwards and hit Sponda in the face so hard that he fell out of his seat backwards and broke his neck. Because fuck Spandau, he deserves every horrible thing that happens to him!

"Maybe it's a figurative Phantom that represents the evil within ourselves and how they can manifest at any moment to become a menace to the people around us that we love and care for? Kind-of like what happened to Noelle and the Wizard King?" Mimosa stated bluntly as she put on a pair of glasses to make her statement seem much smarter and deeper than it actually was.

"WOAH! That is so interesting and makes so much sense, Mimosa! But for plot reasons let's never mention it again."

Mimosa nodded solemnly. "It seems this fanfic has turned out to be…." Mimosa then took off her glasses dramatically. "More than meets the eye!" A joke so great it was greeted by the entirety of the movie audience to cheer out loudly in unison and throw flowers and candy at the two as Noelle violently slammed her head into the ground over and over again out of jealousy.

Because I have nothing that can top that final joke, this is the end of Book 1. Next time: Will Yuno find the Sorcerer Stone? Will Asta get the sex stuff done again? Will we learn what the deal is with the Severus Snape puppet? The answer to all of these questions is yes in BOOK 2: Atack of the Clones!


End file.
